Chapter 127: The Great Desire
“…Lugis, why don’t you take more pride in yourself?”
Saint Matia touched Lugis’ cheeks with both of her hands. Her eyes stared fixedly at Lugis.
The voice that came out of her lips was strangely full of emotions. She was usually calm and calculating. This was the first time that I saw this side of her. Did she come all the way here to say those words? I never thought that Saint Matia would visit Belfein herself and risk her life for my own sake.
She told me to have confidence and pride. How should I respond to this?
I never thought that I would hear such words from Saint Matia’s mouth. They confused me, but I heard them correctly. Perhaps, I should say, “Thank you for your concern”. It would be the perfect form of reply.
However, my throat was so dry that I could hardly speak. Matia’s hands did not move even when I tried to push her away from me. The gaze of her eyes was strong. I felt numbness in my brain. As if her eyes trapped me inside of her feverish gaze. I swallowed my saliva unknowingly.
This was no good. I felt torn.
I could understand it by looking at Matia’s eyes. The crystal light that came out of her eyes was undeniably real. She declared sincere words. She felt pure right now. However, it did not feel like her, since she had always second intentions behind her fake expression. Yet, here she was, staring at me after giving me straightforward words.
I wanted to avoid her gaze and move her hands away from my face. I put both of my hands on her shoulders to push her away. I never respected other people, so this wouldn’t be the first time in doing so. However, I could not do it to her. Why?
Respect, yes, utmost respect. If Saint Matia treated me with respect, then I should also treat her with respect.
Both of my hands stopped moving. My hands just hung on Matia’s shoulders. This time, I was the one staring straight at her eyes.
「I wonder. Do I look like someone who has no confidence or pride, Lady Saint?」
I couldn’t speak remarkable words, and I had difficulty dealing with her. I felt that my hands on her shoulders were shaking.
「Yes, of course you do. How many people do you know that act such an unreasonable way as you do, Lugis?」
It was an immediate answer. As usual, her eyes penetrated my soul and her gaze remained the same.
Overwhelming. What happened to the Saint woman today? She seemed eager to corner me here. How could I find an escape route now?
However, being proud and confident was something difficult to achieve.
I knew that I couldn’t do much with my own power, but even so, I was not throwing everything away. I wanted to forge a path of my own.
I understood her intentions. I grabbed the hands of my former natural enemies such as Caria Burdnick and Filaret La Volgograd. I even battled the hero Helot Stanley in the walled-city of Garoua Maria. Then, I overcame the Elf King, Fin Lagias, in the Hanging Gardens of Ghazalia. I was standing here now because of those events.
Those were brilliant achievements for me. I couldn’t even believe what I did. Maybe it was okay for me to be fully satisfied with these achievements alone.
Nonetheless. Ah, still…
「I can’t help it. I’ve been longing for this. In fact, I have a great desire to become someone like a hero. You think that I am foolish. But, that’s the reason why I came here. To fulfil my desire.」
I always walked behind while looking at the back of heroes.
Those heroic people always walked through the glorious road. They grabbed the glory with their hands and took it for granted. How irritating was their back? How attractive was their back?
Those heroes were my enemies, but also the object of my admiration. I desired to have the same glory, even if I knew that I wasn’t as talented as they were.
I wondered why I was not fully satisfied with what I achieved so far. I was not happy by how far I came to be. I always thought that my legs would stop the moment my heart was full. I was sure that I would no longer desire to reach them if that happened.
Ah, regardless. My heart kept burning in the deepest part of my chest.
The heroes took my heart away during the Journey of Salvation. Helot Stanley, Caria Burdnick, Filaret La Volgograd and Eldith. And then, my soulmate Ariene. They all burned my heart into ashes.
The spirit that dwelled in my body had been torn apart and scattered. My whole being had been trampled, leaving no traces behind. Still, I had something that didn’t totally disappear. My desire to scorch them all.
「…That’s why I can’t stop now, Saint Matia. If I had confidence and pride, my legs would stop there. I would no longer desire for more.」
That’s why I could not have confidence and pride.
Ordinary people like me had to protect the very few things they had. If I regarded myself as someone conceited or as someone who valued myself, I would surely not proceed anymore.
I was far from being a heroic masterpiece. If I told myself that I was nobody forever, then my legs would surely stop moving forward. Yet, I did not feel like doing that. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to breathe and fly high.
To accomplish my great desire, I had to throw myself into danger. Ordinary people like me had to do everything in their grasp. Ordinary people weren’t entitled to an easy life. I had to keep walking the thorny path in order to triumph.
In other words, I had to forsake myself, yes, stop respecting myself, in order to take action. A choice that I had to make. Whether it could be dangerous or not.
“…I am afraid of my former self. I am afraid that I will stop my legs and give up from living a life full of desires and wishes.”
Matia quivered her cheeks for a moment when she saw me narrowing my eyes. Then, she smiled while moving her lips forcibly.
「I understand. I know that you are such a person.」
Matia came up with those words to respond me. Somehow, a sword pierced my heart.
What were these awkward emotions? Why did she respond so sincerely? What was happening now? I felt confused and embarrassed. I even felt shame. Oh, I wanted her to stop looking at me with that strange smile of hers.
I became shy and turned my face away from hers while shaking Matia’s hands. However, she didn’t let me go. Instead, she moved her hands from my cheeks and held her arms around my neck. It felt as if Matia was hugging me.
What the hell was the meaning of this?
「…I accept you. I understand that you have to behave this way. Rest assured. I will grab your hands when you are about to stop. Because this is my way of doing things.」
“So don’t hesitate. Be proud of yourself.” She whispered these words in my ears in a strangely gentle manner. I felt deep emotions in my heart.
I was not sure about her “way of doing things”, but I wondered if she felt concern for my well-being. Perhaps, she even pitied me. Well, I suppose a Saint had to behave this way.
I opened my lips while spitting a loud sigh out of my mouth.
「…Is that okay? If I have confidence and pride in myself, I will probably aim to become a royal aristocrat, you know.」
I spoke with a smile on my face. I wasn’t joking. I just thought that this kind of dialogue was more like me. I could hear Matia’s faint laugh in my ear.
On this moment, my eyes blinked.
I noticed the presence of a carriage, which had stopped on the main street for a while, and then it hooped and went away. Apart from that suspicious movement, I did not notice other strange things. Well, it was a common sight for carriages to go down the main street. Perhaps, I imagined things in my head.
However, for a moment, I felt that I saw golden hair from that carriage’s window. A nostalgic color, which I used to see often in my childhood.
Impossible. She should be at the Cathedral right now. True, she would not bring herself to a place like this.
I wondered why.
My heart, which should have been calm, began emitting a strange palpitation.
A very interesting chapter huh 🙂 Lugis sure is a troubled soul, but I can’t wait to see what path he will forge to himself.
Thank you to the Patrons for the continued support!